When my son was nearing the end of his first semester of university, he came to me troubled. He was tormented actually. He hadn’t had a good start to post secondary education and was struggling to find his way. He had already dropped two of his three classes and wasn’t sure he could complete the third. He hadn’t been to his classes for a few weeks already. He thought he could maybe make it through if he got the work done but he felt unmotivated and depressed. He felt like a failure.
After asking some questions, I found out he was actually enjoying the class he was in but just wondering what was the point. He had realized that he really didn’t want to be in university. Since he had pretty much decided he would drop out, he didn’t see the point in finishing the class. I asked him what is the best/worst thing that would happen if he finished it? The best thing is pretty obvious. He gets the credit. Even if he drops out, he has that experience and may decide to go back again later. The worst is that he has to work hard over the next few weeks to complete all the work he’s missing. Then I asked, what is the best/worst thing that could happen if you quit? Best thing is not having to do the work and the stress of it is over. The worst is not finishing the class he was actually enjoying and he would have to repay his student loan right away because he dropped out. I didn’t pressure or judge any of it. I just listened to his answers and told him that either way, it was his decision to make. It’s one thing to be an objective listener when with a client but with your child, it’s very different. It’s much harder to be impartial and not try to exert some influence on the situation. As parents, we all want our children to succeed and be happy. How do we know what that is?
The whole conversation took longer than an hour. I listened to him talk about his feelings. Feeling trapped, feeling like a failure, a loser. I told him that no matter what, it was a learning experience and that alone was worth something. I told him that life isn’t necessarily a straight path and if he feels this isn’t his path, it’s ok. He’s taking the next exit and the road will open up in front of him. When we listen with our heart, we can tell if someone needs encouragement, validation, or permission. What he needed was all of those but especially permission. By telling him it was his decision and giving him permission to quit or stay, and talking through all the options, he was able to get clear on what he wanted to do. After some thought he decided to complete the class and then drop out.
Post secondary seemed to be over. He worked a couple of jobs, at the local theatre and a local restaurant chain where he took some management training. He learned a lot that year but one of the things that continued to grow was his appreciation of film. He loved working at the theatre and film art history had been that one class he had finished at university. That little seed that had been planted had grown into a desire to learn about the movie industry. Then his aunt and uncle invited him to come to Toronto to stay with them and go to Ryerson to pursue his passion. It was an amazing offer.
Don’t let fear of failure stop you from pursuing your passion, I said. Yes, it’s a highly competitive industry but if you are passionate about it and you work hard, you will succeed. Once he made the decision, it all happened very fast. Within a couple of months he left for Toronto. He applied for the Ryerson night school and enrolled in their film arts certificate program. Sometimes having our children pursue their dreams means we have to say goodbye and let them fly.
I’m not saying it was easy for him. In fact, it was the opposite. He loved doing the work and seemed to be doing well at first. Midway through the first term, he got an assignment back with a bad grade, a failing grade. He was devastated. He couldn’t understand it. He had worked so hard on it and thought it was good. He was thrown into depression, questioning his decision to go to Toronto, to do this work. It was too tough an industry to just be mediocre at, he thought, he needed to be the best. Don’t jump to conclusions I said. Ask questions. Find out what you did wrong and see if you can fix it. A few days later when he was able to speak to the instructor, he found out that the wrong grade was mistakenly marked on his paper; he actually had an excellent grade.
He completed two film arts certificates over two years with outstanding grades. But what happens then? He knew he wanted to write and direct movies but they don’t just hand out jobs like that to new graduates, so now what? He applied to the film union but was declined. Not enough set time. How do you get set time when no one will hire you without set time?
So, he got a job at a local restaurant as a waiter and all the money he made went to acquiring film equipment so he could start working on his own projects. He lived with two roommates to keep expenses down and worked on his projects with like minded individuals he had met at school. All those hours count as set time and he was on a mission.
For the next couple of years he kept at it, kept applying, kept working on his own stuff and the projects of others. Now, he’s finally in the union and getting steady work. It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure. Just a few months after getting on the regular call list, Covid hit. It’s been a tough year for us all, but he is back to work now, doing what he wants and living his dream. He is happy and fulfilled and for that I am eternally grateful.
Without fail each of my children has struggled with what to do after high school. As far as I’m concerned, it is a serious lack in the education system. The choices are overwhelming and there’s no one helping direct them. It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack. The point is, none of us knows where this road is taking us. Things can change at any moment and fling us on to a different path. It’s not the destination that is important, it’s the journey that matters. If we don’t explore or take chances, we will stay safe but will we be happy? We need to give ourselves and our children permission to discover and delve into life’s possibilities and enjoy the ride. If what we decide doesn’t work out for us, we can make another choice. It will be ok.
