What's my story?
What sets one therapist apart from another? We all have the education and the certification so how does one choose which is the right therapist for them? I think it’s important to look at the experiences of each therapist. After all, there’s only so much one can learn from a book. A former colleague told me they would never go to a therapist who hasn’t had personal experience with addiction because she believed they wouldn’t be able to relate, to fully understand the struggle. We all have the ability to empathise, support and offer unconditional positive regard but I get it. We all need someone to connect to, someone who understands what we’re going through and it seems logical that someone who’s been through it will have more understanding and insights. How many times do you call your good friends to talk about your troubles? I know that when I lost my job at the law firm I worked at over a decade ago, I spoke to the friend who had also recently lost her job. Because I knew she could relate and would probably have some good advice. I wasn’t wrong. Talking to her did help me immensely. She didn’t solve my problem, but having someone listen, empathise, and normalize the situation helped tons. She also gave me a different perspective. Don’t let this beat you down, she said. She invited me to look at this as an opportunity to start over and choose a new path, if I so desired. So, in my late 40’s I went back to school and became a credentialed counsellor. It’s never too late to make a new start. In fact, change is the one thing we can count on.
What happened next transformed my life completely. Learning counselling skills and tools, and practicing them daily on myself, my peers and with my family changed my life profoundly. I learned to deal with conflict, not take things personally and not make assumptions. I learned personal responsibility. By the time I graduated I hardly recognised myself. That was a good thing. It was a purge of my emotional closet that was way overdue. Those behaviours had led to resentment, frustration, victim hood and ultimately, the destruction of every relationship. I had already had two divorces, one pretty civil, the second was horrible. Then I had a long-term, blended family common-law relationship that became increasingly toxic for all of us and ended very badly. The peace in the aftermath was a relief. The other side of the coin was the resulting struggle with upheaval, loss and abandonment. It was a big adjustment for all of us.
Later that year while away at school, my oldest son took his life. Our lives were truly shattered. I was a single mom, struggling to hold it all together, make sure my other children were ok and hold down a full-time job. Do you know how long the bereavement leave in BC is when you lose a child? Up to three days, unpaid. Just let that sink in. It’s brutal.
When you’re a mom dealing with your own grief and trying to help your kids with theirs it’s pretty overwhelming. It takes time. Lots of it. Because of the way the brain develops, the full impact of the grief on children can be delayed. They don’t really grasp the full magnitude of it until they hit their teens. As if the teen years aren’t hard enough. Studies show that suicide by one family member increases the risk of suicide among others within the family for a period of seven years with the seven year mark being the peak. Talk about stress. It was the tip of the iceberg.
The teen years are busy and challenging and even harder as a single parent. My twins were identified at 14 as being on the autism spectrum and diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. Better late than never. Being high functioning, they were very bright but struggled with written output disorder, emotional regulation and social interaction. It helped a lot that they were twins though, because they had each other. Finding a really great behavioural interventionist for them helped immensely. It was a lot of work and research to get set up but so worth it.
When my daughter was in grade 12 they came to the realization that they didn’t fit into the female gender identity and asked to be referred to with gender neutral pronouns. Since their 16th birthday, they were spiralling deeper and deeper into depression. Many days they wouldn’t even come out of their room and I didn’t think graduation was possible since so many days had been missed. We are very close but it turns out there are some things you just can’t share with your mom. A psycho-therapist diagnosed depression and anxiety disorder and antidepressants were prescribed. Somehow, almost as though through sheer will-power they managed to graduate. As the weeks dragged into months with little improvement, I also found out they had been cutting themselves. It was so hard to watch them self destruct and I tried to support them as best I could.
Graduation didn’t seem to lift the black cloud from their life though and most of the next year was lived from their bedroom. One morning the following summer just after their 19th birthday, they woke me up early to tell me they had swallowed a bunch of pills and needed to go to the hospital. They promised they weren’t trying to end their life, just desperate to sleep. Their therapist said she could no longer see them as they had aged out of youth care but she came to the hospital to talk to them. Between her and the doctors in emergency, they agreed to a stay in the psyche ward to try to get their sleep on track.
We did find another great counsellor. It was a long road but little by little they were able to join an activity. After a few months of success, they started taking a class at university and eventually got a part-time job. They started speaking to their father again after almost 2 years and we were both able to support them as they transitioned to agender and had top surgery. It took 2 years of consistent therapy and a lot of hard work, but it was worth it.
I am thankful everyday for the lessons and skills that I was able to pass on to my kids. By teaching them how to listen, show empathy, and set boundaries they were able to solve their own conflicts. When they couldn’t I acted as a collaborative coach and mediated between them. I taught them about how assumptions and expectations set them up for conflict. They learned about personal responsibility and how to not take things personally. They developed resilience. Learning and applying these skills fundamentally changed communication within our family. Disagreements still happened of course but they were resolved quickly and easily and peace became the norm.
As a parent, one of the hardest things we can do is watch our children struggle and not try to fix it. We can’t fix anyone. We can’t control anyone. We need to stop trying to do that. Each of us has our own path. They say your parenting is done by the time your child reaches 10. After that we are just a guide. At that point, all we can do is listen with empathy and patience, and provide guidance if asked. We need to let go and let them find their way. We need to first give them the tools and then the permission to make decisions for themselves.
By the time I began school for counselling training, I had already seen 5 different counsellors. I thought the whole point of counselling was to have someone listen to you and that’s what my experience was. I didn’t realize that was only half of it. The counsellor’s function is also to bring things that need change into our awareness and provide tools to begin that process. The right counsellor can help us communicate with integrity, learn emotional responsibility and find personal peace. We need to choose our counsellor with care and if what they’re doing isn’t working for us or we’re not clicking with them, find someone else. Keep in mind that true change takes time and a lot of hard work; it’s a process. In the end, it’s best to find a counsellor who we feel most comfortable with because it’s that relationship that creates the foundation for change.
Lena