Well, integrity is the basis of any communication. We can’t communicate effectively if we are not being honest. Seems simple right?
Simple, but not easy. There’s so much more to it than that.
Whatever we say is our word. There is a saying that your word is your bond. Truly, if we have nothing else, no money, no power, no job, what we do have is our reputation. No one can take it away, but we can lose it. If we don’t keep our word, our promises and our commitments, our word is unreliable and it falls like a house of cards. Trust cannot be built on these attributes. If our word is always honest and we have integrity, that is very powerful. If we have integrity as our ally, people will respect what we say. They will believe what we say because they know that we are trustworthy and we stick to our word.
We are conditioned to lie pretty much from the beginning. Children learn early that telling the truth when they’ve done something wrong will get them in trouble. We learn that in order to protect our jobs, our friendships, and our relationships a lie may be necessary at times. It is socially accepted and woven into the plot of every novel or TV drama. In many cases it’s safer, but in just as many or more instances, it causes drama, pain and even irreparable damage.
What happens when we tell a lie?
We undermine our integrity. We are literally working against ourselves and demolishing our relationships. Relationships are built on trust. How can we have authentic relationships if we don’t have trust? If we don’t have trust, why would we want to share our feelings and make ourselves vulnerable? Why would we trust someone with our heart? And every time we tell an untruth, we are chipping away at our own sense of self. Every time we lie, we are reinforcing that it’s ok to lie. If everyone is doing it, why shouldn’t I?
A popular TV doctor’s favourite saying was “everybody lies”. He’s probably right. The problem is, it has become normal to lie to everyone about everything. We even lie to ourselves. Worse yet, we don’t even know we are doing it. And then we justify it to ourselves. We lie about what classes to take at school, what career we should pursue, or who we should have relationships with.
Why do we do it?
Lots of reasons. One is that we have been socialized to do it. To avoid getting in trouble as kids is usually where it starts. To avoid getting in trouble at school. The dog ate my homework. To avoid trouble with the parents. Yes, I brushed my teeth. By the time we get to teen years, were pretty much experts at it. We don’t even feel guilty anymore.
The problem isn’t with a little white lie here or there. The problem is what it does to our relationships, even our relationship with ourselves. People around us see this and say, if they would lie about that, what else are they lying about.
We know deep down we want to be honest and that integrity is important. Even if we work really hard at it, we will still fail some of the time. These acts divide our behavior from our conscience and we feel that dissonance. Peace lies in always working to be our best because when we don’t, we will be at war inwardly. People try to numb the feelings of discord by self medicating with alcohol and drugs, excessive sugar, social media, gambling, shopping, porn, you name it. The problem with these coping tactics is, while they are temporarily effective, they are a terrible long-term solution. They do nothing to make us whole and undivided. Only forging true integrity can do that.
Being truthful doesn’t mean saying hurtful or mean things.
We can be honest and truthful and still be kind. You are not responsible for how someone else reacts to honest and compassionate communication. You can’t please all of the people all of the time.
What if someone says or does something to upset you? Do you bring it up or let it go?
That depends on you. You can do either. The important part is what you do with the feelings. Can you truly let it go? Yes? Great! If the answer is no, and you don’t talk about it, it will come up again later, I promise you. Even if it doesn’t get resolved, it is much better to talk about the feelings. If you decide you don’t want to talk about it, you at least need to look within and figure out where the feelings are coming from. Do you feel taken advantage of? Is someone not considering your feelings? Was it something they said? Was it the way they said it? Why is this a sore spot? Do you remember the first time you felt this way?
We all have buttons that were programmed long ago by events in our lives, our parents, family members, teachers, and friends. Those buttons become our triggers and every time someone presses that button, wham, we’re flooded with all the emotions of that incident. We just react in the moment without analyzing what’s really going on. If we can step back from the emotions and ask, "wait a minute, why am I reacting like this"? We might get some answers.
Maybe we are playing the blame game. I did. If I had a dollar for every time I said “You made me feel: insert feeling word here, I’d be rich. Imagine my surprise when I learned no one makes anyone feel anything. Understanding that I was responsible for my own feelings was like coming out of the fog. I was stunned. I had never thought about it and didn’t believe there could be a different way to feel about someone shouting an insult at me. I believed that the only way to feel about that was bad, sad, upset, offended, angry. When I realized I could actually choose to react in a different way, that I could choose to not take those comments personally, it changed my life. It gave me power over how I reacted to any interaction. It gave me a sense of control that no one could override.
How do we do this?
How do we not take things personally? It takes practice, patience and perseverance. What we have to realize is that everyone has buttons, some may be the same as yours and others different. We all have childhood wounds and traumas (we’re talking about small t traumas here, not sexual or physical abuse) let’s call them events that form part of our story. They are accumulating and affecting each and every interaction… unless we heal them. Not only that, but they continue to accumulate through the years. If we don’t heal from those events, they become our baggage train that grows larger with each passing year and rips our relationships apart.
If we could only see people’s emotional wounds on the outside, we would know not to touch them, but that is not the case. Instead we are all blundering around smacking each others painful spots without a passing thought. Until we have awareness, this is our primary way of being. We destroy our relationships with our families, our partners and our children. Worse, we teach them to be like us, creating generation after generation of wounded children to become the next wounded parents.
We need to stop.
When we take responsibility for our feelings and stop wounding others with our actions and words, we can heal our relationships. What I’m talking about here is intent. We can’t worry about the possibility that we do something inadvertently that causes someone pain or upset. We need to do our best and keep trying every day. If you love and care about your partner, you can create intimacy just by being vulnerable and honest about your feelings. You can do the same with your children. When you share your feelings and failings with your children and take time to listen to theirs without judgement, you will strengthen their love and respect. When we commit to communicate authentically we truly can cultivate unconditional love and harmony in our world.